The Business of Queening

Makeup & Hair by Miss Mary Jane Green

Howdy!

In December I won the title of the Last Queen of the Great Southern Exposure in Charlotte, North Carolina. I never thought I'd win a crown, especially for comedy. I have a crown and three trophies from the event. (There was some confusion around my crowning moment so this photo by Madison Hurley Photography will have to do.)

I'm now 42 and may never win another crown. It took over ten years of burlesque performance to land me this monster. I am absolutely milking this for all it's worth.

Here's what I know about the business of queening.

Get a damn sash
Not every title comes with a sash. If you win a title that gives you bragging rights and you don't have a sash, get a damn sash. I ordered mine from LadyBug Designers. The stones in my crown are red, clear and blue, leading me to get a blue sash. (To spend a little less, check out this vendor.)

I wear the sash in appropriate shows (not competitions) when I perform the award-winning act, usually for curtain call and mingling after the show. I don't eat in the sash. It cost to much to trash with a spilled drink.

Figure out how to get the crown to stay on your head
This crown is huge.  If you won a crown that has little combs already, lucky you. Big hair can keep a crown like this in place. I needed to be able to actually wear it for an event and photoshoots, and I don't always have someone on hand to tease my hair to high heaven. Bobby pins and crown clips with pipe cleaners were useless for me with this crown.

I found a solution and ordered some CrownStays in Monster size. The system is pretty simple but I'm glad I bought a set so I wouldn't have to figure out the rigging on my own. I had to crunch the adjustable slide on the crown and add another anchor point, but Mr. Snapper can mount the crown on my head and I can function without a rat's nest of hair.

To mount the crown, one comb is stuffed into the hair on one side of the head. Pull the comb out a bit on the opposite side, stretching the clear elastic woven through the inside of the crown. Stuff that into the hair. Shazam. Do the opposite to take it back off.

I got my mother a tiara so she could experience the joy and nonsense of being the Queen Mum. I'm maybe a bit ridiculous.

Get a fancy robe
I see people backstage all the time with their fancy robes. I'd been meaning to get one with my name embroidered on it for a while. I now had something interesting to get on the front.

I chose Snapper colors for the robe instead of the black robes I see my friends wearing.

This is where I got my robe. Lots of options for colors and embroidery. I mean, feel free to get one if you aren't a queen. I got mine within a week of ordering because they weren't busy with all the bridal robes at that moment.

Get a case for the crown
I have little trophy shelves with my burlesque trophies at the bottom of our stairs. I have a shadowbox display for our Burlypicks medal. There are photos of each win under the respective award.

This crown is too big for the shelves. It's too big for most crown cases. I had hoped to get an acrylic case from Michaels with a coupon, but the crown is too big. (If I only win one crown, I'm glad it's absurdly large.)

I had to order a display case for the crown. Of course.

Put it on a pedestal
Gee, my gigantic crown case is too large for a shelf. I had to buy a pedestal to put it on display. The case is a bit bigger than the pedestal. Yep, that's about right.

I can't put the case on the pedestal at the bottom of the stairs because it would impede traffic going up and down the stairs. I can't have the dogs running into it. I had to put it in my studio. My life is hard.

Photoshoot time!

I have to have a photo to go with the crown, and I can't display the crown with the other awards. Gee. Heck. Guess I have to just put a giant photo of the crown with the other trophies down the stairs and put another photo in my studio above the crown.

We bought backdrops so we could have Madison shoot in our apartment.

Oh yeah, I also made a jumpsuit and bought a simple dress for the shoot.

I did a second photoshoot in the crown with Dallas Pinup because I needed pinup photos in a crown. Obviously.

Then, I had to buy picture frames and order special prints of the photos to post on my walls because I am ridiculous.

Good deeds
What's the point of queening if I don't use my powers for good? I decided to do good deeds by holding online fundraisers for Southern charities, since I am the Last Queen of the Great Southern Exposure. I raised a little money for North Carolina Center on Actual Innocence, ALS in Wonderland Foundation, and the Humboldt Broncos of Saskatchewan (because I love hockey). I've joined the Bad Girls Club to continue fundraising. I'll share more charities who could use some scrilla on my Facebook profile.


Who knows if I'll ever win another pageant like this. That's why I'm making the most of the nonsense now.

A Shrimp's Tale

Well, I live in Dallas now. The past two months have been a lot of packing, stress, prep and driving. I've been in Dallas since March 4th. I still haven't fully unpacked.

There are a lot of reasons for my move, most of them financial and familial. There are more festivals and burlesque opportunities within driving distance. I can get cheaper flights to those places as well. I'm still very much an Angeleno at heart. You can't live somewhere that long without it really making becoming part of you.

I didn't intend to start performing until April 1st. An opportunity arose on Monday and I jumped on it. A friend lost a performer from her show. The band learned a six-minute song specifically for the performer. (Losing a six-minute act makes a significant dent in a show's run time. The fact that this ten-piece band learned the song was huge.) I threw my hat in the ring with my peach robe and got the gig.

Photo by Kelly Gardina Photography

I was familiar with the song but didn't know it very well. I started working through possible movement on Monday after I booked the gig. I kept my brain engaged on the number when I'd take breaks from work or walk the dogs.

Tuesday evening I pulled out the costume. I started working with a boa in the gym but didn't feel satisfied. It was still very improvisational. The boa wasn't working. The song was so long that it needed something at the end. In truth, I thought the song was best suited for someone who wore a black dress or Mardi Gras colors (meaning not me). Creative mind still engaged, I had an insane eureka moment.

What if I stripped out of my showgirl stuff and became a shrimp?

Crazy, right?

I pitch it to Mr. Snapper. He knows my determination and my love of a challenge. He also knows that I'm hand beading a corset and finishing a gown this week. Maybe I shouldn't take on something else right now?

Nope, it's decided. I'm going to become a shrimp. I have all the pieces to turn into a showgirly shrimp except the headdress.

Wednesday evening we dash to Hobby Lobby to buy the components. I paint and dye the pieces, he assembles. Teamwork.

Thursday afternoon I run the number with the headdress before rolling my hair for the show. It's going to work! Woohoo!

Carpe shrimp! Check out the video by the awesome Ben Britt of this act's debut.

Day Jobs: Finding What Works for You

Current day job assistant

No job is all sunshine and pancakes. Being an artist full-time may make you feel artistically free until your rent is due. Time to sell some of your tools or take a gig you didn't really want so you can make rent.

But, that's not the glamorous life that you envision when you say you just want to pursue your art.

He who pays the piper calls the tune. Remember that Michelangelo had patrons who paid to support his artistic pursuits but instructed him on the art they wanted to see.

Nothing in life is all sunshine and pancakes.

You have to work out your priorities. What works for you?

I have three personal day job stories.

1. I worked at job A for eight years. It was supposed to be a great company. I generally liked what we did for people but I don't deal well with angry people in the workplace. I grew up with angry people and didn't want to voluntarily subject myself to an environment like that. I also started doing burlesque near the end of my time there. There were lots of other factors behind my decision to leave but the largest one at that time was the environment. Leaving was worth it.
2. I worked at job B for almost six years. I had to learn specialized programming as part of the job. I liked my boss. There was no yelling in the workplace. I was worth more than I was being paid. I got one raise in all the years and wasn't on company health insurance. I also had the opportunity to work on costumes and choreography during down time at the office. We had cupcake day and went out to expensive lunches on birthdays. I had to deal with customer complaints when I had no helpful resolutions. I liked my co-workers. Everyone knew I did burlesque and didn't care. I knew the job wouldn't last. The company was sold. I spent some of my down time trying to make my job more efficient. I took classes outside of work so I'd be a better employee.
3. I've worked at job C for most of this year. I had to learn a few things. I worked longer hours than anticipated in the beginning so I could get into the groove. I've had to work nights and weekends when things came up. I work when I'm sick. I've handled emergencies from my bed while I still had sleep in my eyes. I don't get health benefits. I also get to work from home. I spend my days with my dogs. I can get ready for gigs throughout the day instead of rushing when I get home at 7pm. I like my co-workers. I believe in our product. I'm always learning new applicable skills. The boss doesn't provide free cupcakes but also doesn't insist I stay in the office when I don't have work to do.

Every job has its positives and negatives. You have to examine what you're willing to endure and what you can't handle.

• Do you want to be engaged or do you want to save challenging tasks just for your art?
• Do you want to move up the corporate ladder or do you just want to be a cog in the machine?
• Do you want a set schedule or do you want flexibility?
• What are you willing to do for health insurance?
• Do you care about your privacy as an artist?
• Do you want to be paid hourly or salary? Salaried workers can't always leave when the office hours end because they're getting paid more.

Your day job can go bye bye at a moment's notice. That's what we learned with the last economic downturn. You have to be able to apply your creativity to the day job market.

Sort out your priorities. Keep your eye on the end game, whatever that end game is for you. You'll find it much easier to endure the day job lifestyle that way.

Atomic Thursday: Nautical Nonsense

It's Thursday which means it's time for me to share another Atomic Cosmetics review with you. I've tried many things and replaced most of my makeup and skin care products with Atomic. If you have a question about anything that I've used, I'm more than happy to answer it.

Atomic Cosmetics: Nautical Nonsense

Very fine and very shiny

Nautical Nonsense is a bronze highlight powder. I don't wear it in daily life because my BB Cream gives me plenty of glow. I save it for stage and for photo shoots. It gives a nice sun-kissed glow and elevates a look.

A little goes a long way with this stuff. I apply it at the end of my stage makeup session. I swirl a little on a smaller contour brush inside the lid and tap off any excess powder. That part's pretty important because it can leave some pigment (not just shine) if I apply it too thick. A swipe down the nose, chin, center of the forehead, top of the cheekbones and brow bone. Remember to be gentle with the application.

I use this on myself for every stage show. Sometimes I put some on my cleavage. I also used this on Mr. Snapper when he hosted Treklesque as Captain Kirk. Kirk is a little bronze in the reference photo we used. He applied Spackle first. I contoured his face lightly, hit him with some Setting Powder and dusted him off with some Nautical Nonsense. While the photo was under terrible backstage lighting, you can see how he glows.

A container of Nautical Nonsense will last you a nice, long time.

Atomic Thursday: The New 20 Eye Cream

I've been upgrading my cosmetics and skin care collection over the past several months. I've long admired the Atomic Cosmetics line from afar. When Dr. Jen came to visit Los Angeles earlier this year, I spent as much as I could on product. I really believe in her products. Since I've been able to try many things I figured I'd share my product reviews with you on Thursdays.

Atomic Cosmetics: The New 20 Eye Cream

Sample size on top, full size on bottom

I'm 40. This may not come as a surprise if you've done much exploring on my blog. It may come as a surprise if you haven't. Yep. I'm 40. I take care of my skin, eat lots of fruits and vegetables, drink plenty of water and don't smoke.

That said, I'm an aging entertainer. I need to maintain my youthful appearance. A good eye cream is part of my anti-aging regimen. I tried a sample of The New 20 Eye Cream and was hooked. My eyelids and the skin below my eyes are plump and healthy. They don't feel thin to the touch. I'm a contact lens wearer and this stuff doesn't give me any problems.

It's impossible to notice results from one to two uses of a product. I suggest you pick up a sample container. I use it twice daily and my sample has lasted for months. Apply with your pinky or ring finger because your eye skin is delicate.

I didn't start thinking about eye cream until I was over 35. I didn't think I'd need to worry about it until I might start showing signs of aging because I wasn't showing them yet. Take care of your skin now, no matter what your age. All of the effort you put in today will show in a few years. This stuff is fantastic.

I have to acknowledge the beauty of the containers Dr. Jen uses for Atomic's full size products. The container for the eye cream is beautiful.

Burning the Candle at Both Ends?

Photo by Modern Noir, MUAH by Vivienne Vermuth

It's pretty common for artists to have two jobs: the one that they love and work hardest on, and the other one that pays the bills. I did my turn as just a burlesque dancer (also teacher & costumer) and I felt like I wasn't financially contributing enough to the Snapper household and future. I got another job as soon as I could so someone else could pay me to push paper, a job I could do in my sleep.

Having a day job, doing late night shows and spending all the remaining time on projects so I could do more late night shows takes its toll. Sloppy work at the job that pays the bills, pain and frustration as an artist, mistakes that only happen from being exhausted become too frequent.

I've been an entertainer for my entire life. I started burning the candle any way I could when I was sixteen but I had plenty of young cells to help me recover. Sort of. I wasn't creating the healthiest adult engine by fueling myself with Tom's Hot Fries one summer.

How can you become resilient when you need that day job and the entertainer pursuits? Kick back and old lady Snapper will share some tips.

• Deal with your funk. We all get the funk.
• Get more sleep. Your body needs sleep for cellular growth, detoxification, hormonal function, digestion, weight loss, heart health and thought processing. Most people need eight hours or more per night. If you know you have a late gig coming up, sleep in the day of or the day after. Catch naps any time you can. You won't get into the deep sleep that really restores your body in those naps but you will have a little refresher for better mental function.
• Eat more fruits and vegetables. Juicing is all the rage but juicing eliminates the fiber your body needs to eliminate toxins and waste. Your body needs the nutrients in fresh fruits and veggies. Food is medicine. Take supplements for the things your body doesn't get from food.
• Reduce your consumption of processed and comfort foods. I know I sound like a grandma. Comfort foods are usually rich in sugars and fats. They pick you up for a hot minute and then let you down hard. Retrain yourself to reach for an apple when you would gobble up a cinnamon roll to give you the energy to make it through the day. You eat more food than you actually need when you're tired from trying to do so much.
• Sort out some Me Time that quietens your mind. Some people meditate so they can quiet their minds. Others do yoga. I love ballet because I can't think about anything but the moves while I'm in class. It may seem like a luxury to take that Me Time but it's not. It's imperative for your mental and physical health.
• Prioritize your life and keep a reliable calendar. I won't go out on Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday if I have a Thursday night gig and an important day job Friday. I'll spend the first three nights of the week getting my ducks in a row so Thursday and Friday are a success. If next week is really busy then I have to prepare anything I can this week. I miss a lot of social engagements. I recognize that I have to perform well at my day job so I can afford to be a performer.
• Get strong. Find a workout regimen that challenges you and makes you stronger. Sure, losing weight is cool and all. When I was 95 lbs. I was a weakling. I'd rather weigh a bit more and have a strong body that's going to last me a lot longer. I've been doing HIIT for a few months and it's great for strength. You should work that body three to five times a week. If nothing else, take a 20 minute walk every day.
• Get a damn flu shot. The flu shot contains the most likely strains to hit North America over the next year. Save yourself the hassle of weeks of interrupted work later by getting it now.
• Keep a health journal. It doesn't have to be fancy. Jot down what you're eating, how much sleep you're getting, any physical changes or injuries, noticeable mood changes. Maybe make a note if you're dealing with work stress or late nights for gigs. Keeping this journal will help you know when something is actually wrong with you (like shortness of breath from medication) or if you just need to change something because you know the triggers (like reducing your stress and going to bed on time because your heart skips a beat when you don't).
• Reduce contact with toxic people and unnecessary stressors. Cut those bitches loose from your life. You don't need it. You're already trying to be successful at two jobs. You don't need the distraction of jerks.
• Learn your limits and stick to them. I could do seven nights of gigs per week when I was 35. I can't do that with a day job and my plan for resilience. I can do a week of seven nights of gigs in one month but I can't do that every week. I can do a late night show, teach the next day and hit the sack early before I travel again. I can nap on a plane but I can't get that deep sleep while sitting.
• Keep finding the new normal. You may wind up with more responsibilities and promotions in your day job as you get older. Theoretically, you also become a more skilled performer with age. Find the right balance for you without sacrificing your money, your passion and your health.

I wish you well.

Atomic Thursday: None More Black

I've been upgrading my cosmetics and skin care collection over the past several months. I've long admired the Atomic Cosmetics line from afar. When Dr. Jen came to visit Los Angeles earlier this year, I spent as much as I could on product. I really believe in her products. Since I've been able to try many things I figured I'd share my product reviews with you on Thursdays.

Atomic Cosmetics: None More Black Eyeshadow

I use a liner brush for a slim line.

I'm reviewing None More Black separately from the other eyeshadows because None More Black is something incredibly special. It is a purple cow in the world of eyeshadows and liners.

I have problems with kohl pencils. They're never soft enough to leave a beautiful line. When I heat the tip it gets too mushy. I also have trouble with liquid liners. Maybe I don't have the dexterity or maybe I get interrupted too many times while trying to apply. They tend to be wet just a little too long so I get smudges when I open my eyes.
I've tried several brands and I've always met with failure. I had the gloppiest wing on my cat eye.

Enter None More Black. I'm great with a brush. (I got my brush through Atomic Cosmetics. A good makeup brush can last a long time if you take care of it.) It's intense black pigment. I got some black eyeshadow from a drug store a couple years ago that has so much filler it looks light gray when applied. Yuck. None More Black is exactly like the Spinal Tap album-- there is none more black.


I scrape a little of my None More Black into the product lid with my brush. I add some makeup sealant and mix it into paint. I use that adorable brush to work from the middle of the lid to the outside, middle to inside, and touch ups on the wing. (It helps to really examine how your lid folds when your eye is open. My wing has to go a little lower because of the eyelid crease.) I scrape it into the lid before wetting so I can use the dry eyeshadow as I like. I don't have to worry about it being crusty from the sealant. It takes 30 seconds to a couple minutes for the liner to set. That's the perfect time to work on your bedroom eyes by barely opening your eyes. I typically spray my face with makeup sealant once my makeup is complete.

I usually let my product lid dry before I close it. Sometimes I spritz the lid with more sealant to reactivate on another day. Sometimes I wipe the lid with an alcohol pad to get a fresh mix. I wash my brush with liquid soap when I put away my makeup kit for the evening. If you work with black liner and black eyeshadow regularly, I recommend getting two.

None More Black has done me right. It hasn't smudged in the hours after application. It does stick to eyelash glue, so I wind up with a naked spot on my lids when I peel those lashes off. I've even used it as mascara in a pinch, mixing it with sealant and applying with a fan brush.
I'll review the eyeshadow in general in future. This product should be a staple in your kit.


I'm a huge fan of Dr. Jen, Atomic Cosmetics and Xerion Skin Science. I love supporting small businesses, especially those run by really cool women.

Atomic Thursday: Glitter Bomb

I've been upgrading my cosmetics and skin care collection over the past several months. I've long admired the Atomic Cosmetics line from afar. When Dr. Jen came to visit Los Angeles earlier this year, I spent as much as I could on product. I really believe in her products. Since I've been able to try many things I figured I'd share my product reviews with you on Thursdays.

Atomic Cosmetics: Glitter Bomb

Small & large size: blue AB, gold & AB

I typically want to look sparkly when I'm dancing. I've tried a lot of glitter solutions to get that sparkle (applying lotion and dusting with glitter that gets all over the dressing room floor, applying glitter and using a spray sunscreen as a sealant, spray glitter that makes the dogs sneeze because they obviously want to help me prepare for showgirling). Glitter Bomb is the best solution for me to grab and go, using it anywhere with little impact on those around me.

Glitter Bomb is a glitter-filled, coconut-based lotion. Squeeze a dollop out of the bottle and slather yourself down. It doesn't feel icky or sticky. It has a pleasant, natural fragrance that isn't horrifying to encounter in the dressing room. (You can order unscented.) You'll find other people are willing to help you get the hard-to-reach places, like your back. The small size is great for travel and the larger size is great for sharing. It does rub off into your clothing a bit so you'll want to wash that glitter-covered tee shirt before wearing it again. I haven't had any issues with staining from the lotion. It's also easy to wash off in the shower so you don't get glitter between the sheets.

Atomic currently has four colors listed: gold, silver, AB (aura borealis, meaning holographic clear) and pink. She also does custom blends, which you can see a fancy blue AB blend on the far left in the photo. Just let her know what you need in the notes for your order if you want something custom.

I couldn't get a great photo of the product on my skin with my phone. The lighting in my house just doesn't do it justice. If you've seen me wearing body glitter at all in the past year, I was wearing Glitter Bomb. It makes skin look ethereal, just not so much in a selfie. If you have a special event and want to have a glow, I recommend using some Glitter Bomb.

Available currently as samples, 2-ounce and 4-ounce bottles. 

Atomic Thursday: Spackle

I've been upgrading my cosmetics and skin care collection over the past several months. I've long admired the Atomic Cosmetics line from afar. When Dr. Jen came to visit Los Angeles earlier this year, I spent as much as I could on product. I really believe in her products. Since I've been able to try many things I figured I'd share my product reviews with you on Thursdays.

A couple of these have been kicking around my vanity.

Atomic Cosmetics: Spackle

The reason I'm reviewing this first is because this product is leaving the Atomic Cosmetics line. Spackle is gone as of November 1st. White Girl Wasted is the exception; it will still be available. It's a fantastic product so I encourage you to get it while it's available.

Spackle is a pigment-rich, oil-based, full coverage foundation. It comes in small pots or cream stick. I can use it straight out of the container to cover blemishes and under-eye freckles. I typically mix it with a primer to prepare for the stage, applying it with a brush. (You can use a sponge. I'm a brush person with facial foundation and a sponge person for body makeup.) You can get lighter and darker colors for highlight and shadow.

L to R: White Girl Wasted, Porcelain Doll, Nude Beach, Hunty

I use Nude Beach for my face and the sun-kissed parts of my body. (I love that this nudist requires the color Nude Beach.) I use Porcelain Doll under my eyes to brighten up the area a bit. Porcelain Doll is also great on skin imperfections on the paler parts of my body. Hunty is a bit darker. It would work as a gentle shadow for me. It would probably work better on the face of the mister than on me.  White Girl Wasted is white, great for the brow bone, highlights on the inner corner of the eye beside the nose, and below the eye. (Use is on the under-eye area before applying skin tone foundation.)

You can look at the product on different skin tones on the website so you can see what it looks like on someone close to your shade. Nude Beach might be a better highlight for someone else than it is for me.

This stuff lasts a while if you mix it with a primer. I've been working on the same small container for months, using it every time I perform or do a photo shoot. I encourage you to get a full stick now so you can work with something incredible. I feel like it's an ideal, the Golden Mean.

I suggest you pick some up as soon as you can.

Golden Legends Championship Challenge

I'm like a song by the Go-Go's for most of the goings on of the Golden Legends Championship Challenge-- my lips are sealed. I can't share the content of the mentoring between me and Matt Finish. I can't share strategies or smack talk the other contestants. (Why would I want to smack talk them? I know many of them and look forward to meeting the others.)

But, I want you to get excited about the event and you're used to me sharing my journeys with you.

Here's what I can share:

• I've been working on this new costume for months. I have four more pieces to build and one to complete. I'm far better at managing big projects now than I was in college. I knew this would take work and I'm proud of my progress. This costume is gorgeous. You only get glimpses of it on my Facebook and Instagram for now.
• I'm working on addressing my shortcomings as a performer while leaning into my strengths. My first ever burlesque performance was nine years ago, and I'm months away from wrapping my eighth complete year as a burlesque professional. It takes time, successes and failures to really sort out who you are and what you want.
• I'm really excited about the ways I've challenged myself in this new number.
• It helps to have other people on your team. Even an old broad like me benefits from having a sounding board. Mr. Snapper is an awesome sounding board but sometimes I need a different viewpoint.
• Competitions should serve as motivation to be something greater than you are. The chance at a prize is exciting but I'm in this industry for the long haul. I'm pushing to create a damn fine act that will delight audiences in ways they never expected. The next challenge will be to make a different act that is this rich.
• I'm really looking forward to returning to New Orleans. I haven't been there since 2010. If I lived closer, I'd visit with more frequency. It's a delightful place.

Two other things I can share about it.

1. Travel costs money. I'm not asking for donations but I am selling stuff to make money. Visit my website and see what I have to offer right now. I'm also teaching corsetry in Los Angeles before I leave for the event. If you know someone who wants to learn to make a corset, send them my way to sign up for class. Every sale helps. :)
2. Events cost money. GLCC is raising funds through sponsorship and vending. They have sponsorship packages for as little as $45. You can check out details here. There are several package levels.

That's about all I can share for now. If you're in New Orleans on October 21st, I'd love to entertain you.

Broken Hearted?

I had a bit of a quandry, and I'm guilty of oversharing. Buckle up, because this is a lengthy tale of heart breaking.

I was ready to take the world by storm in January. I had pushed past some health issues and was about to start a new job. Life was amazing! I was in dance classes and working out all the time.

Photo by Markus Alias 2016

I debuted a more rehearsed version of "Yakkity Sax" at WTF-lesque on January 24th. It's an active number and I needed a new inhaler for my anaerobic asthma, and I'd suffered an asthma attack a month prior. I still bested the number and had a great time, hit the spare inhaler I got from a friend, and was ready for curtain call.

February 1st I started my new job, absolutely loving it. I went to my ballet conditioning class, arriving in plenty of time because I was working from home. Two weeks prior, I had to step out of class because I was so worked up I almost barfed up the apple I had for an afternoon snack. I didn't snack before this class, but wasn't hungry in class. As we alternated strength training with light cardio, I felt like my heart was beating out of my chest. I had shortness of breath and needed my inhaler. I grabbed my second-hand inhaler and stepped into the hallway. Having studied exercise and cardio workouts, I knew that the body could be shocked by not warming up or cooling down properly. I paced in the hall as I waited for my breathing to slow up enough to hit the inhaler. It wasn't slowing as much as I would have liked, but it did seem to slow a little. I felt okay to sit down and try to catch my breath a little better. After a moment, I lifted the inhaler and primed it so I could take a fresh puff when I could hold the mist in my lungs.

I woke up on the floor with my inhaler in my hand. My mouth didn't taste like I got a successful puff. I was disoriented. How the hell did I get on the floor and how long was I there? Students who were waiting for class rushed to help and called 911. I was breathing fine at that point. I called off the ambulance and tried to get my bearings. There was so much noise and I just needed to process what happened. I had someone call Andrew because he would be pissed if he collected me at the end of class and I casually mentioned I had fainted. He's also the best person to handle me. There would be less noise if he was there. He could make the decision to take me to the emergency room based on his observations. He knows me almost as well as I know myself. I was in good spirits but missed the last part of class.

When I got in the car after the episode, I felt like I needed to just lay down, have no more motion, and not consume anything. Since my breathing was fine, we didn't hit the hospital or urgent care. I would see a doctor in the morning, and I would get some protein in my body right away. I had two chicken nuggets and some chocolate cake. I wanted comfort, so that cake was necessary.

I got up the next morning, made my early editorial conference call, and ate a bowl of sugary cereal with marshmallows. I made an appointment to see a nurse practitioner at my doctor's office. (I've seen another specialist in that office before, so I thought they'd be familiar with my history.) I had some soup and arrived for my 2:30pm visit. Yes, I was slightly anemic, but why did I faint? WTF? I got a prescription for a new inhaler and they took some blood.

February 3rd I was awakened from an afternoon nap by the nurse practitioner. She said I was diabetic and had high blood pressure and high cholesterol. I couldn't process. I just woke up and the week had already been far too exciting. She set an appointment for me to come in and discuss the results the next afternoon.

I was told I was diabetic and had high blood pressure and high cholesterol and a ridiculously high platelet count and had to make some changes or I'd have to go on all kinds of medication after a fasting blood test in a month. As dramatic as the week was, I took some time to educate myself. My family has a cholesterol history, so that could be legitimate. The rest made no sense to me until I read the indications on a hormone that doctor's office had given me a few months before.  The hormone was supposed to help address some other issue, but the package said it shouldn't be given to someone with high blood pressure, diabetes, high cholesterol, or a family history of stroke. BOOM! My grandmother and aunt both died of stroke in their old age. My dad had a stroke at 69. Sure, they're older, but there is a history. If the package says not to prescribe to someone who has these symptoms, wouldn't that suggest it would elevate those levels to an unsafe level in some bodies?

I asked the NP if I should stop taking the hormone because of these indications and my family history. Four months on this drug and I had so many platelets that my blood clotted far too easily. Don't blood clots cause stroke? Is this thing on? Hello, nurse practitioner, are you hearing me? You don't think I should stop taking the drug? You did hear me when I said I don't eat a lot of fatty foods and I don't drink that much and I eat green leafy vegetables and drink lots of water and I bake my french fries instead of frying them?

I paid my co-pay for the eight minute consultation, got my blood test results and left. I was told no more exercise (something that's good for the heart) and no dancing (something that's good for the heart and soul) until my fasting blood test in a month. I had to make dietary changes, take my blood sugar and pressure daily. Great.

I stopped eating as much food as I did before fainting. It's been sort of a forced anorexia. I'm terrified of eating and having anything I eat kill me, so I eat half to two-thirds of what I would for a meal. Snacks are small if I have them. I've lost some weight, but I'm not gaining muscle. I recently started jogging in my living room with supervision. I also stopped taking the drug that would've elevated all of my numbers, even though the NP thought I should keep taking it.

Photo by Tim Hunter Photography 2016

I didn't cancel one single gig for this bullshit. In fact, I'm trying to get more gigs. Fuck it. I don't need
to alienate the producers who will book me by calling in with heart disease or whatever nonsense. I just had to be smart with my performances and keep Andrew abreast of my physical symptoms after each performance.

February 5th, four nights after blacking out, I did my Superman Lucy act. Andrew was backstage to help me with my costume bits, but mostly to make sure I was okay after the number.

I've performed a few more times since the incident. Some of the producers knew about the blackout, some didn't. I'm feeling better and I've changed doctors. I should have news about my fasting blood test from the new guy next week, and I see a cardiologist the following week.

Maybe I have heart disease, or maybe my body was just responding too strongly to the drug. We'll see how things change as I purge the drug from my body. Either way, I'm not dead yet. I plan on entertaining people as long as I possibly can, and then pivoting so I can continue to entertain with whatever limitations life gives me. My heart may be broken, but I refuse to be brokenhearted.

From 2014 to 2016

Photo by Madison Hurley Photography

I didn't do a recap last year. A lot of stuff happened in my world, and I just wasn't feeling it. The challenge with doing a recap for two years is that my gig book is hidden from my overgrown puppy. Let's take a look at what I've been able to sort out for 2014:

• I had fewer performances -- just 32 in 25 shows. This tallies up to 405 performances for the career. Not too shabby. This is an estimate, because of the hidden gig book.
• I taught at the Great Burlesque Expo in Cambridge again. I also taught in Hot Springs, and Mr. Snapper and I taught together in Dallas.
• Fewer festivals for me in 2014, which I'll get to what's happening with that later. I did the Great Burlesque Festival and the Hollywood Fringe Festival. I also performed in San Diego for Comic-Con weekend.
• Tour stops in Dallas, Hot Springs, San Diego, and Fresno.
• I created a few new acts, like my California Sunset number and the first version of my Poison Ivy. I performed in a group number with Chocolate Box Burlesque, and Mr. Snapper and I co-hosted their show together. We also created our Goonies duet.

I had knee issues in 2014, and I had a wicked case of anemia that knocked me out of a couple shows. My sweet Doodlebug passed in August 2014, and that took quite an emotional toll. When my dog Holly passed in 2006, I stopped playing guitar for the most part. (I pick it up every nine months or so.) It was a rough time in my house. I did adopt little Coca Carter, who is a hellbeast. I love this dog, but she is a bundle of enthusiasm with teeth.

Photo by SH Photo

My 2015 was curious. I had far fewer performances, which I'll get into why as I break down the year:

• Fewest performances in a year since I started this stuff in 2007. I estimate I performed sixteen times in twelve shows. This makes it 421 in eight years.
• I taught some sewing classes, including dress making and corset construction. I enjoy sewing and become better at sewing by teaching. I made some incredible garments this year as well.
• When I first started doing burlesque, networking was easier. I met people at craft nights and at shows. We'd spend some time together, brainstorm together, and I had bookings coming out of my ears. A lot of those people have retired, and a lot of new performers have popped up. Now it seems everyone wants an audition video of every act you may want to perform, even if you've worked with them in the past. While I agree that burlesque is business, I was missing the community aspect that was there when I signed up; I also missed the networking. I hosted a brunch for the community and started recruiting people to host craft nights. I started teaching community classes for a low price to help performers fill in gaps in their education. I may not have my community ideal yet, but it's not going to improve unless I work on it.
• No festivals in 2015. I did screen videos for Hollywood Burlesque Festival, which was educational.
• I performed in Vegas, Dallas on two visits, Houston, Little Rock, and Hot Springs. Our schedules were so full I only got to teach in Hot Springs. These trips are always packed with activity.
• I created some new acts. I have an act that's built with LEDs that needs a little reworking. I rebuilt Poison Ivy, making the act a bit more couture. I created a dressing and stripping number. (It feels silly to call it a "reverse strip," because that's just getting dressed.) I hosted a nudist comedy show twice. I also rebuilt my mermaid tail for Burlesqueland.

I had two major things working against me in 2015 (besides that video thing): car and work. My car was at 220,000 miles when I finally replaced it in November. I'd lived without a car payment since right after I started burlesque, and I wanted to make it until this spring with the old car. This meant I didn't submit my acts for shows that are driving distance if I couldn't justify renting a car. My car overheated on my way to an October gig in Ventura. The last straw was when it barely made it from the city to the San Fernando Valley on a weekend. I flew to Dallas the following weekend, and bought a car the day I returned. I have a small car payment, but I can now drive to gigs outside of Los Angeles.

The other major issue working against me was my job. At the end of 2014, I cut back my days at the office so I could work on commissions. This meant that the three days I spent at work per week had more financial value for me, and more production importance for the company. A co-worker quit at the end of 2014 and no replacement was hired, which meant taking off or leaving early for Friday gigs was very unlikely. I spent 2015 wishing for a new situation where I could miss Fridays for festivals or leave work in the early afternoon so I wouldn't feel rushed or stressed for the few Friday night gigs I got. A week ago I got an offer for the perfect work-from-home job for me, which means I can build my own schedule and work on the road. I can do Monday, Wednesday, and Friday night gigs without having to tart myself up at my desk if the time allowed. I feel less like Cinderella.

Photo by Modern Noir

So what's in store for 2016? Persistence. Being the best me. Strength. Lots of rehearsals. Maybe even some producing. Turning 40 and celebrating it. Building my community. Going to Texas a couple times and Arkansas a couple times and hopefully other places. Taming the hellbeast. Getting some stuff published, even if it's DIY. Learning. Living.

What Our Friends Say

Despite our relationship, he gives incredible feedback.

I've been to a lot of shows over the years, mostly plays and burlesque, but I've also been to my fair share of concerts. I've been with the band, in the band, in the show, producing the show, seeing the show. I've been around live entertainment since I started public school.

It's very educational to watch the audience during a performance. You can see who really engages and involves the audience, and you can see who alienates, confuses and/or doesn't appeal. What is especially fascinating is watching friends of the performers. They're always so enthusiastic and supportive and encouraging, even when the number seems sub par. Do you have those friends who come up to you after the show and tell you that you were greaaaaaaaaat when you know you sucked? Do they always give you the thumbs up when you actually want some feedback you can use?

People are friends with us because they are attracted to us. There's something within you that appeals to your friends. It may be the qualities and viewpoints you have in common, like you both love football and voted for the tallest person in the last election. It may be the qualities that you have that they with they had, like you stand up for people and have incredible parallel parking skills. The important thing is that they're your friends because they dig something about you. Why would you be friends with someone who isn't attracted to you, doesn't like you at all?

Your friends see you with Friend Goggles. They see the qualities they admire, and they see all of the awesomeness that draws them to your circle.  Just like a lover will see the best of you, your friends do the same. They've got your back, so why would they see you as anything less than the coolest?

Friend Goggles are tricky when you're asking for feedback. As a performer, you get feedback through the friend filter of "you were sooooo gooooood." That admiration and identification doesn't give you the feedback you seek. It can be frustrating to not get the advice you seek. It can also be frustrating to learn from a not-friend that your work could genuinely use some improvement. (Not-friends aren't always delicate and caring when they critique your work.) Sometimes you just need the support of your friends so you feel good about putting yourself out there as an artist, and that's not a bad thing.

So how do you hear what you want from your friends? Let them know before they open their mouths with feedback that you're so happy that they're supporting you. It's valuable to have a support network. If you want genuine observations of how your act can improve, be specific with your request. (I'm a huge fan of precision of language so there can be no confusion.) "I'd really like to know what you liked best and what you think I could improve about my act. Can you email me tomorrow?" Be clear about what feedback you want and how you want it.

Treasure your friends for supporting you, and be smart about taking the feedback you get from them. If you're asked to give a friend feedback, I have some recommendations for you here and here.

Snapper Rewedding: First Steps

On August 14th of this year, Mr. Snapper and I celebrate our 20th wedding anniversary.  When we planned our teenage wedding, I didn't want anything big or fancy; I just wanted to change my taxpayer name and spend the rest of my life with my best friend.  My mother-in-law was the one who pushed for the ceremony, preparing everything behind the scenes at the last minute.  She borrowed and bought everything for our cobbled-together wedding.  It was adorable and well attended, but it was more of "what a ceremony is supposed to be" than a reflection of who we were as a couple.  The wedding date was pushed from July to August because of a strange illness that had me on intravenous antibiotics for six weeks.  My mother-in-law had ten days to slam her only son's wedding together, my sister-in-law called all of our friends and family to attend, and my father-in-law performed the ceremony.

Parts of the wedding were very much us.  We selected the music.  I let my dad wear jeans and a leather vest to give me away because he was a biker.  Our friends were in the wedding party and a friend sang at the wedding.  The vows, the borrowed dress, the borrowed bouquet, the communion -- while lovely and very fitting for some folks, just weren't us.  Of course, we weren't the interesting people we are now.

Andrew and I have known each other slightly longer than we've been working together creatively (by maybe a few minutes), and we were married six months after we met.  Over the past two decades we've become more interesting people, and it's awesome that we've done it together.  We decided two years ago that we wanted to have a new ceremony on our twentieth anniversary, but this time it was going to be planned and executed by the two of us.  Because we're entertainers the rewedding is going to be a show event.

Since New Year's we've been working diligently on the rewedding: picking colors, hunting for awesome favors, selecting our wedding party, working out the structure of the show, looking for new wedding bands, thinking about music playlists, figuring out wardrobe.  I understand why people schedule some time between the proposal and their first ceremony for all the odds & ends of throwing a wedding.  The players in this event won't all be the same as the original wedding, but this is a Snapper event in Los Angeles so the wedding participants are all performing.

Special thanks to Jessie & Charlene for making this happen!

We met in Hot Springs, Arkansas, and it was a love at first sight situation when we actually met.  Since that's where I was born, where we met, and where we were initially wed, we wanted to have a taste of our younger lives in our wedding favors.  The folks at Bathhouse Soapery & Caldarium accommodated my last-minute request to make 100 bars of our favorite soap, Bathhouse Couture, for pick-up while we were in town this weekend.  The bars have a hint of glitter, making them perfect for a burlesque rewedding.  Each bar is individually wrapped and has a special label just for our event.

I'll share bits and pieces of the planning of the rewedding since I have so many friends and family who won't be able to attend.  Our event is August 12th, two days before our actual anniversary.  Watch this space for the official announcement.

Topless Vlog #18

You can find #18 for real right here.

LINKS:
Blue Man Group
Live Burlesque in Las Vegas
Frankie's Tiki Room
Fantastic Indoor Swap Meet
Vegas Girl Wigs
Burlesqueland
GLAAM RG

From 2012 to 2013

Five years as a professional burlesque performer.  Wow.  Every day is a learning experience in this world.  Here's 2012 in review:

Nearly Naked Nutcracker (c) Daniel Work

• 51 performances in 40 shows.  Slightly less performances and shows than 2011.  This was a bit of a team-building year.  To date, that's 322 performances.
• Taught a slew of privates.  I also taught some basic burlesque classes in Los Angeles, Hot Springs and Little Rock.  I taught my costume class in Los Angeles and Fresno.  I'm focusing on the private students because I love helping them accomplish their individual visions.
• Created four major acts. I debuted Butterflies in May after documenting my costume journey.  I put together "One Night With Snapper" after months of sewing swimwear and lingerie, debuting the act in my hometown of Hot Springs.  I debuted a new fan dance and our naughty duet in Dallas a couple weeks ago.  Our "So Wrong It's Right" (Rogers & Lewis) number was supposed to be a minor act, but there was a nice chunk of construction in the costume and prop department.  I whipped out a Laura Ingalls trubute in July.  I largely relied on my established repertoire for this year's shows.
• Performed at two festivals - Southwest Burlesque Showcase and Dallas Burlesque Festival.  Looking at my personal finances and commitments led me to turning down one festival after I was accepted, and prevented me from applying to any other festivals in 2012.  I figured out my conflicts as early as I could so I wouldn't leave anyone in the lurch.
• Short touring hops.  I danced in Dallas at the beginning of the year, filling the rest of my festival weekend with photo shoots. I visited Hot Springs once on my own, and hit Hot Springs and Little Rock once with Andrew.  We also toured to Fresno together, and we danced in Albuquerque together.  I love spending time with that man.
• Always learning.  I got back into a ballet class that was absolutely amazing.  I took a couple ballroom classes.  I also learned how to make lingerie, swimwear, corsets, and draft a few patterns.  I started working with a choreographer for some of my numbers so I could strengthen some of my weaker dance areas.
• New tools of the trade.  I made new feather fans at the end of the year.  I bought supplies to make corsets and lingerie over the summer so I can make things as needed and can do commissioned pieces on demand.  Andrew got a Dremel to make even cooler props, and we put it to use sanding down a pair of my shoes so I could embellish them.  I bought a second sewing machine, super handy for Andrew to make his nutcracker jacket at home while I made my own costume on my other machine.  (I bought the second machine for downtime at the day job, but it may get more use at home.)
• Started the Topless Vlog.
• Featured in Liz Goldwyn's Painted Lady event in Los Angeles.  It was an incredible and unique experience, and I'm glad I was able to do it.
• Feature in Bachelor Pad Magazine.  I'm delighted that my collaboration with Modern Noir and Vivienne Vermuth made issue 21.

Onto 2013.  What I'd love to have happen:

• A festival or two, preferably close to home so Andrew and I can both attend.
• More private students.  I do love working one-on-one.
• Weekend mini-tours.  I want to visit Arkansas twice this year, hoping for two trips to Dallas, a weekend in Vegas, and who knows what else.
• Two more event costumes.  I'm starting the build of a technically complicated number that might not be ready until late this year.  I'm also building a wedding dress for my 20th anniversary & rewedding to Andrew.
• New camera for the Topless Vlog!  My new camera will arrive this week.  Hoping to get new lights for next week.  (I can use the camera to shoot my numbers as well.)
• Be the best Red Snapper.  Work on myself and creating the best stuff I can.

I love all of the support, all of the kind words, all of you who have followed me on my path.  I hope I continue to keep you entertained for many more years.

Topless Vlog #14

LINKS:
Updates on Snappers' return to DFW
Monday Night Tease
Snapper merch

Topless Vlog #12

LINKS:
Nearly Naked Nutcracker
Jewel of Denial
Naked Snapper magnets

Topless Vlog #11

LINKS:
Nearly Naked Nutcracker
Monday Night Tease fundraiser updates & merch
Late donations to Monday Night Tease fundraiser
Private burlesque & performance coaching

Support

1. to bear or hold up (a load, mass, structure, part, etc.); serve as a foundation for.

2. to sustain or withstand (weight, pressure, strain, etc.) without giving way; serve as a prop for.

3. to undergo or endure, especially with patience or submission; tolerate.

4. to sustain (a person, the mind, spirits, courage, etc.) under trial or affliction: They supported him throughout his ordeal.

5. to maintain (a person, family, establishment, institution, etc.) by supplying with things necessary to existence; provide for: to support a family.

                                                 -- from Dictionary.com

Remember how I blathered on and on about how amazingly supportive my family was last time I went to my hometown?  Well, this last trip back was no different.  My oldest sister made it to the show. My younger brother, his fiance, her mother and aunt, all came out for the show.  My small sister came out, as per usual, along with her boyfriend and his entire family.  My oldest sister held a special pre-Thanksgiving dinner so the Naked Sheep of the family could have a family meal.  MY newly widowed mother was there, and I think it's likely she'll make it to my next hometown show.

My family's support has become a foundation for what I do.  They're encouraging and helpful, and they cheer louder than anyone in the venue when I'm doing my thing.  My younger brother said it's just like me cheering at his football games in his youth.  What a perfect analogy.  They don't just tolerate it.  They promote it and encourage it.  They don't mind having people say, "Oh, Snapper's your sister?!"

But the support I get every time I return to Hot Springs doesn't just come from my family.  I stayed with a lovely couple I met via CouchSurfing.  They not only welcomed me into their home and provided me with the space I needed to rest and prepare for my show, but they also came to the show to show their support.  Kevin, Agnes, and the entire staff of Maxine's have provided an amazing environment for burlesque in Hot Springs.  (Maxine's feels like my Hot Springs burlesque home, much like Monday Night Tease is my Los Angeles burlesque home.)  The wonderful members of Foul Play Cabaret always make me feel welcome.  I love them all.

Most importantly, I wouldn't be able to tour to Arkansas if it weren't for all the people who fulfill definition #5 above.  If it weren't for the audience and the dedicated fans, there wouldn't be a show.  Every person who buys a ticket, every person who tells a friend, every person who buys merch, every person who asks for a candid photo after the show -- I couldn't do this without your support.  I am humbled by you all.