Thursday, June 20, 2013

My Final Reveal: Mr. Snapper Edition

(Guest post by Mr. Snapper.)

This past Saturday night, while Red was shaking her ass at the Time Traveller’s ball in Dallas, Mr. Buddy and I were hosting the third staging of Yadi Presents Gotham Girls Burlesque. This particular outing was at the Yost theater in charming Santa Ana, before a crowd of 600 people.
When Yadi asked me to co-host as Batman, she offered to provide the costume. That was very cool, and I greatly appreciate that she did that for me. I want to make sure that I say that, because I’m afraid the rest of this series might come off as ungrateful or dickish. I may be a dick, but I am a grateful dick. 

The costume is an off-the-rack halloween costume:

Serviceable. For the first few shows, perfectly fine! But here’s the catch: we’re doing this show in San Diego during Comic-Con. Without a doubt there will be someone in the audience who has poured their heart and soul into recreating a Batman costume. Maybe the functional Christopher Nolan version, maybe the nipple-tastic Joel Schumacher abomination; perhaps the most stylish take on the Caped Crusdader ever, the classic, 1966 Adam West Batsuit.

I cannot stand up in front of hardcore cosplayers in an off-the-rack halloween costume. That would be like wearing jean cut-offs to the Oscars.

Since I’m taking my inspiration to build a better Bat from the cosplay community, what better place to start? Right away I discovered the 1966 Batman Message Board. The path to my goal is well taped. Lynne and Chuck Williams in particular have done a significant part of that taping! 

I’m starting with the tights. Before I had dug too deeply into the message board, I was looking at zentai-style body suits. Yeah. Not it. Too shiny, too … snug. From the message board I discovered the best approach is a leotard/tights combination. For one, I will have an easier time going to the bathroom. For two, the lines are better.

On one of the boards I found a suggestion to purchase the needed tights from a company in New York called On Stage Dancewear. They can make it in supplex, a nylon/lycra micro fiber fabric with a matte finish. And look at one of the colors they offer it in:

Say! That’s a pretty good Batman grey, wouldn’t you say? The leotard and tights were a custom order, which meant a wait of two weeks and spending more money than I’m comfortable spending on this sort of thing: $109. But hey, the tights will be perfect, and I can get to work on the far more difficult aspects of this costume.

The tights arrived in the mail yesterday:

They seem rather … charcoal, wouldn’t you agree? For the above picture, I laid the unpacked tights on top of the Halloween costume. This should give you a better idea of just how much On Stage Dancewear fucked me.

I called them today, and pointed out that the color preview online is WILDLY different from what they actually sent me. The fellow I spoke to assured me that the supplex grey is the dark-as-the-pit-of-hell charcoal grey. Oops. And the only grey fabric they have that comes close to what they advertise as “grey” is in good ol’ shiny spandex. A color called “silver,” which sort of drives home just how shiny that fabric is bound to be.

They are willing to refund or exchange. The least they can do, really, seeing as how they fucked me. In order to work the exchange for shiny spandex tights, I have two options:

1. Return the charcoal grey leotard/tights for a full refund. At the same time place a new order for the leotard/tights in Spandex. This most likely will be charged to me at the time of order, which means I’m out even more money immediately.

2. Return the charcoal grey leotard/tights for exchange. They won't start making the new ones until the old ones arrive and are processed, 4 or 5 days. Add one more week to the whole process.

I ask if there’s anything they can do for me, seeing as how they fucked me. Nope. If I do option 2, they will have time to send me a swatch of silver spandex. Any chance they will do that, so I can ensure no further fucking occur? Nope. Will they at least buy me a bagel before fucking me? Who am I kidding.

Great. Pleasure doing business with you.

Morose, I dig further into the forums. I discover that Kwik Sew patterns exist for the tights and leotard. Red’s good friend and fellow burlesquer Evie Lovelle knows of a couple of places where I can purchase the right fabric in the correct color. I have decided that this is the path I will take, as I can most likely put this together in half the time it will take On Stage Dancewear to fuck me again. As for them, they can kindly return my money. 

Next time … Will Mr. Snapper haggle for a good price on fabric?

Will he manage to sew his own tights?

Will he begin to panic about the incredible chore that
awaits him when it comes time to make a Bat cowl?

Tune in next week to find out! Same Snapper Time, same Snapper Channel! 

Total spent to date: $109 and way more time than any reasonable human being should spend on the phone to New York explaining how what was promised was not what was delivered, and being told that there was basically no way to resolve the issue without fucking him further.

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