Featuring the talents of: Margaret Cho Clownvis Presley Guy Brannan Red Snapper Claire Brosseau Solomon Georgio Heather Henderson Bella Banana Lorraine Vontista and, of course... Lucky DeLuxe!
As you may recall, dear reader, I challenged myself to take 100 dance classes last year to get fit, learn technique, and become even more awesome. I didn't lose any weight, and that really bothered me. I started a new fitness regimen just under a month ago. I like this regimen because I don't have to go to a gym. I don't even have to put on a bra if I don't want. It cost me $150 for a stationary bike that was on sale. I already had a Pilates mat, and a pair of 2 lb. hand weights to fill in until I can find a 4 lb. workout bar. I also bought a jump rope, but I haven't found a way to fit that into my workout without hitting an enthusiastic Buster in the face every time I rotate the rope.
I haven't made any major changes to my diet. I only have one alcoholic beverage when we go out so I don't wind up too full for food or wasting my drink. I'm trying to eat my way through all the fruits and veggies we get in our home delivery before they go bad. I still eat pizza. I tend to have cookies for breakfast. I had a beer and cheese crackers before bed, and I hoovered a huge piece of raspberry cake the other night. I do say no to late-night snacks when I'm not especially hungry. I'm not eating past the point of being full. I haven't eliminated any foods from my diet.
I'm down five pounds from when I started this workout. I do the full workout three days a week, and I try to put in at least two off-day workouts, four if time permits. I'm very pleased with my progress.
I don't really have "hobbies" (things I do for fun with no intention of making money from them) outside of eating and watching television. But I've found a new hobby: becoming ambidextrous.
I'm becoming ambidextrous out of necessity. Years of typing, mouse-clicking, hand stitching and beading without giving my right hand a proper break (because I get obsessive about finishing things) have taken their toll. My physician told me to take it easy, that I could get physical therapy if I really need it. The only other solution is surgery if it gets to be that unbearable, and there's always the possibility that surgery could make it worse. I figure evening out the workload between my hands is a better option.
My first successes have been in the craft world. I hand stitched the mouth in a puppet as a lefty. I'm also cutting snapper mouths as a lefty. It's tough, but I know it'll get easier over time.
I've been performing my "Every Sperm is Sacred" number for almost as long as I've been performing professionally. While the jack box, singing sperm puppets and ribbon dance have remained the same, my penis has gone through some changes.
Photo by Chris Beyond
The first photo is from the debut of the number at Victory Variety Hour in 2008. If you examine the photo closely, you'll notice I'm dancing on a tarp. When you have a messy prop, courtesy dictates that you bring your own tarp. My penis is a whipped cream covered in cloth. It looks a bit like a crudely sculpted vienna sausage. Chris photoshopped in the white wetness erupting from the can in this photo. This version of my penis provided easy access to the nozzle so I could make it spray without distress.
The second photo is from the same show. Note the glops of whipped cream on the stage floor. That had to be wiped up after my number. You can also see that I got some whipped cream on myself. That also had to be cleaned up. I used to take baby wipes with me when I did this number to mop myself off for curtain call.
Photo by Chris Beyond
A couple months later and at the suggestion of Penny Starr, Jr., I added some styrofoam balls and a soft sculptured glans. I even added a patch of hair. My prop had to be improved because people really liked the number. I still traveled with a tarp and/or Clorox wipes for the stage. I added a tube inside the penis cover to attach to the whipped cream nozzle so it would shoot past the glans. I also had to start bringing a small ice chest for the whipped cream so the filling wouldn't drizzle all over the place too soon. Premature ejaculation didn't serve the number well.
I also brought baby wipes and sometimes brought a hand towel to give myself a whore bath in the kitchen or bathroom sink after the number. I had to spruce up for curtain call. Each time I did the number, I had to carry the props for the number and plenty of stuff to clean up. And no matter how much I scrubbed myself down, I still smelled like old milk for the rest of the night. There are a couple stains on my shimmy belt from the nights of creaming. You can see this version below.
Photo by SH Photo
This number gets an enthusiastic response, and I get requests to do the number. Always working to improve my numbers, I revamped my penis last summer. I came up with a solution that requires no clean-up, no tarp, no ice chest and no whore bath. My husband says that the new penis looks far more graphic than the previous incarnation. I know it's easier on producers when they don't have to worry about a messy stage.
Let my penis be instructive, my fellow performers. Seek to improve your props. Streamline your numbers so they're easier to take from club to club. Follow my bouncing balls and work to surpass your initial vision for your work.
Monday Night Tease! presents The 4th Annual Lili’s Laugh In
Come celebrate Lili VonSchtupp’s birthday with a sexy send up of Rowen & Martin’s Laugh In
Hosted by: Lili VonSchtupp
Burlesque performers: Mr Snapper & Patrick The Bank Robber Red Snapper Dizzy Von Damn! Chris Beyond Glama Sutra Lux La Croix Prix De Beaute Venus A Go-go Wolfgang Wolfwhistle Doc & Stumpy Tuba
Bar Opens: 6pm Seating Starts: 9:30pm Show Starts: 10pm
This marks the completion of my fourth year as a professional burlesque performer. Here's what I managed to get done this year:
58 performances in 43 shows. This is far less than 2010. I focused more on quality than quantity. I also did a nice chunk of travel, but I'll get to that later. To date, that's 271 performances.
Taught a Brolesque session, choreography for the Burlesqueland show, Asstastic, Go All the Way, Burlesque Starter Kit, and oodles of private lessons. I taught two full days of classes in my hometown of Hot Springs, Arkansas. I also got to teach a few classes at the Great Burlesque Expo in Boston, and one class at Southwest Burlesque Showcase.
Created two major acts. I made my "green wonder" costume (called this because it's green and I dance to Stevie Wonder) leading up to summer. I created my Flower Duet fan dance for my Dallas appearance in January, then revamped the costume for my fall travel. I did put together a few bar acts, but I didn't spend a great deal of time or money on them since they were for one show each.
Performed at three festivals - Southwest Burlesque Showcase, Great Burlesque Expo and Colorado Burlesque Festival. I was also a sponsor for the first Memphis Burlesque Showcase since it took place three hours from my hometown; I want to encourage burlesque in my South.
Short touring hops. I danced in Dallas and San Antonio, then did Dr. Sketchy's Denton in January. I popped over to Vegas to do Live Burlesque in Las Vegas in March (Mr. Snapper's first out-of-state performance as a stripper). I was the swing girl for a set of Naked Girls Reading, a ring girl at Lucha VaVoom, and danced two shows of Stripper's Holiday in Chicago. I visited Arkansas twice, hitting Little Rock both times and Hot Springs on my last visit.
Yet more study than before. I made my 100 classes. I took classes at every festival that had them, and Mr. Snapper and I went to Burlycon. I also went to Michelle L'amour's Stripper's Holiday to hone my Mega Costume act. I took a variety of movement classes and costume classes over 2011. I also took a crochet class and a jewelry basics class.
While not producing my own show, I co-produced my birthday show with Lili vonSchtupp. I've also been contributing as show wife and performer for Rumpus Revue.
Met Richard Simmons. I've blabbered on and on about how wonderful he is. He's full of love and encouragement. I plan on taking his classes as my schedule permits for as long as I can.
What's on the agenda for 2012? Here's what I'm thinking:
Three or four festivals and some other states. Arkansas has custody of me for a weekend in April (no Teaseorama for me) and in November. I'll be at Dallas Burlesque Festival and Southwest Burlesque Showcase in February. I'm hoping to add Tennessee and Oregon to my tour schedule. Mr. Snapper and I are performing together in Albuquerque and in Arkansas.
Teaching a little more. I was focused on travel more in 2011. I may just have a few more L.A. classes in 2012. I am working on my Pilates mat certification, so that might just pop onto the schedule.
Making my body a bit more slammin' with my new workout. Still take dance classes but focusing on ballet, ballroom, and series that appeal to me.
Two more event costumes.
Stopping to smell the roses when I travel. Things have been delightfully hectic for me when I've traveled, every minute booked with something. It's been so jam-packed that I haven't been able to really take in any site seeing. I want to do something touristy in each state I visit, because that's part of the joy of travel.
Making my house more of a home and less like a college student's design pad that was raped by a craft fair. Seriously, my house is crazy with half-finished projects, random papers in boxes, bras hanging here and there, unused props gathering dust. Right now I'm looking at one of Buster's selected teething pasties, a switchblade comb, the packing materials from my kindle, some random trim, a fishnet stocking, a Krampus mask, and a partly pilfered package of Sharpies -- all on my desk. I took some time over the past two days making curtains for two rooms in my house. I love being at home, but I need it to be less stressful to come and go.
I appreciate your support. I'm in this for the long haul, so I hope to see you for years to come.
Hosted by: Scot Nery Burlesque performers: Greta Grenade (MNT! Debut) Red Snapper & Mr Snapper Ruby Champagne Iza La Vamp Heather Henderson Lola LaBelle Red Snapper & Mr Snapper (breaking out the sperm!)
Bar Opens: 6pm Seating Starts: 9:30pm Show Starts: 10pm
My Saturday to-do list started off with heading over to Slimmons and sweating my ass off for class 100, then going to Hooters to celebrate. My stomach disagreed with leaving the house, so I did my off-day hourglass workout. The routine is getting easier. Of course, I think I counterbalanced my hard work with two beers, some fried pickles, and half a slice of 970 calorie pie yesterday. Oops.
I learned a lot from setting up this challenge for myself:
Life is full of curve balls. I had so many plans for classes I was going to take. Job offers came along, busy schedules, injuries and illnesses, cancelled classes, unavailable funds, classes that would not get repeat business from me. December slapped me around with car repairs and closed studios. I had to get clever to reach my goals.
No one else is going to do it for me. No one is going to go to class for me or motivate me to get off my ass to make my dreams come true. I have to do the work. Despite the curve balls, I managed to make it happen. I didn't have anyone forcing me to do it, just my own urge to get it done.
Just because someone is a great dancer, that doesn't make them a great teacher. I took some shit classes (in my opinion) from some nice people who were lovely dancers but didn't know how to pass that knowledge over to other people. And some classes are more like cults where the teacher insists on touching you with his creepy, creepy hands.
I didn't lose a single pound all year. I've put my hourglass workout in place so I can get fit and stay fit, eating the things I like but still fitting my costumes and being pleased with my naked photographs. Just because I dance and take dance classes doesn't mean I'm working off every piece of food I eat.
I hate classes that don't teach clear-cut technique. I don't take dance classes to "feel" music. I want to leave having learned something new. I also hate it when the teacher doesn't know what they planned to teach that day. (I don't care if they refer to choreography notes, because choreo notes show they at least had some kind of plan.) I hate it when the teacher doesn't select the music before the class. (We do live in a time of digital media. Make a fucking playlist BEFORE class and use your iPod for teaching.)
I have some great people who were very supportive of my journey. They didn't do the work for me, but they worked out with me when I needed a buddy. Andrew and Evie both joined me on legs of my journey.
2012 won't hold a dance class challenge for me. I have my workout to get fit, and I'm going to take some classes for technique. Ballet is on my agenda, more classes with Uncle Dicky, and more social dance classes with Andrew. I'll continue my education at burlesque festivals, and I'll keep trying out new dance videos and sharing what I find.
